Pear
Shaped in Space
It is a
scientific fact world is Pear Shaped.
The Pear is
the natural shape of a planet and can be seen throughout the Universe.
Both the
Earth and Mars are Pear
Shaped.
A standard
model of a rotating planet will have a relatively small
portion
of total surface area, centred on the poles, lying inside the
perfect
sphere, while a larger surface area of each hemisphere will lie
outside
the perfect sphere, this distortion being greatest at the equator.
In the case
of both the Earth and Mars the southern hemisphere of Mars and the
northern
hemisphere
of Earth reverse the situation predicted by the standard model.
In other
words – it’s all gone Pear
Shaped.
We know
this from our brief co-promotion of Pear Shaped in Space
with President
Dwight
David Eisenhower.
In 1958
following the launch of Sputnik 1 President Eisenhower thought that
should have its own space satellite
in order to nuke the commy bastards
so he launched “Vanguard 1”.
The purpose
of Vanguard 1 (compered by Harrison Ford and William Hartnell)
was to broadcast radio signals to the
and
Eisenhower contacted various comedy and music promoters
with a view to
what to
broadcast.
Unfortunately,
due to a lack of technology all the budget was spent
getting the thing
into
space (the launch went Pear
Shaped) …
…and there
was a lack of interest in a radio transmitter so weak
that it was as
much as it
could do
to go “bleep
bleep bleep”
now and
again.
As a result
Patrick Moore and Brian Damage were able to buy
the Broadcast rights of
Vanguard 1
for 2 shillings and eight
pence at a car boot sale.
From it
they broadcast a meaningless repetitive noise from March 17, 1958
until
May
1964 (when the batteries ran down)
which was
described in Time Out as ‘the grapefruit’ by Nikita Khruschev
Comedy Critic Nikita Khruschev
- notorious as the only London comedy critic to live further away
from the London Comedy Scene than
Malcome Hay
- with the possible exception
of Bruce Desseau of the London Evening Standard
who lives somewhere just beyond the Mutters Spiral.
...and as "not logical" by pediatrician and
best-selling author of all time,
winner of an Olympic gold medal, and a political activist Dr Spock
who has fought for the rights of children and families throughout his
long life
despite having green blood, deformed ears and no emotions
It had bills such as
“tonight’s bleeps are yet to be announced”.
Sir Patrick Moore, of course, later
became very famous for his love of monacles
and his hatred of the European
Union. By examining the stars he disovered
many alien threats to our way of
life
and is now President of a counter-alien-intelligence organisation
called UKIP - the
protectorate of the UK from terrestrial EVIL
A young
Brian Damage holding “Pear Shaped in
Space”
Notwithstanding
this Mr Damage was mightily impressed with the output of Vanguard 1.
Each of the
individual bleeps broadcast being very short and none of them being too
long.
Indeed he
began to believe that it would be possible to use a similar theory of
entertainment in a comedy environment
and
create a form of show where nothing was interesting but it didn’t seem
to
become boring either because it didn’t last very long.
Immediately
he set about starting up a comedy club on the same principles
– a
place that, like outer space, made little sense and had no
atmosphere.
Other Stars
that appeared included The Crab Nebula
It was the monitoring of bleeps
from Vanguard 1
that first
proved that
the Earth is pear-shaped rather than a perfect sphere
– as
a result of which Mr Damage immediately trademarked the
words Pear and Shaped
for his entire business empire.
This
profile of the Earth’s Geoid has been
measured to
about 50 cm
at latitudes up to 86 degrees by the tracking of satellites
like
Vanguard 1
and it is
remains unexplained why planets should be Pear Shaped but many are.
The rest
isn’t history.
Should the
solar cells ever start to work again Pear Shaped in Space
broadcasts
can be
heard on 108 MHz band.
Originally
intended to maintain a perpetual orbit
it
is
predicted to fall to earth sometime in the next 200 years
because it was a bit
shit; but then
it was the world’s first satellite
References
1. King-Hele, D. G. & Cook, G. E. Nature 246, 86 (1973).
2. King-Hele, D. G. & Cook, G. E. Planet. Space Sci. 22, 645 (1974). | Article |
3. Merson, R. H. & King-Hele, D. G. Nature 182, 640 (1958). | ISI |
4.
Brookes, C.
J. &
5. Brookes, C. J. Planet. Space Sci. 24, 711 (1976). | Article | ISI |
6. King-Hele, D. G., Brookes, C. J. & Cook, G. E. Geophys. J. R. astr. Soc. (in the press).
7.
Lerch, F. J. et al. Paper Spring A.
Meet. Am. Geophys. Un.
